Goodbye 30

Last hours of my 30's are upon me. Kind of freaking out but also so god damn grateful. My 30's started with me being strong and rediscovering myself and going into my 40's I feel like I am on this path again. My 30's have given me everything and also stripped me down to nothing. There has been so much more joy than pain. So much more celebration of love. But there has been so much pain, so much confusion and so many points that I could not control or fix things. The last decade has given me everything but also taken so much. I traveled and played a lot. I grew and birthed my beautiful babes. I fed them with my body. I married my partner in crime. I laughed and experienced pure and real love. I had so much fun. I also watch the one person that shares the most with me suffer greatly with mental illness. And realized I can not control or fix everything. I watched my beautiful, hard headed, crazy talented, and loving friend die. And there was nothing I could do about it. My husband lost his brother and there was nothing I could do about it. My kids lost their uncle and there was nothing I could do about it. They also lost their Great Gmom. Three of my beautiful nieces lost their fathers. I lost others I loved way to soon. I loved my family so much that it hurt. I loved them so much that I lost a big part of myself. We bought a new house. My kids suddenly were 6 and 8. I experienced so many things and so many emotions. I loved on my friends and nieces and nephew when I could. Which was not enough. I lost my shit and could not sleep for weeks. I was so tired, scared and anxiety ridden. My friends, family and community held me up like they always do because they believe in me and love me when I can not. I started making a effort of self love and I am slowly but surely rediscovering my awesome self. So even though I am losing my shit a little about entering my 40's I am super grateful that I get to live my 40's. I am grateful I get to continue this journey of raising two beautiful, smart, kind and hilarious children with their dada. I am grateful because my family and friends are so amazing. I am just so fucking grateful but still how am I already 40!!!!

School x2

My Zoe,

You are 4 months into Kindergarten.  Last night when I came home from work you took out a book that some little boy named RD made you.  It was a book of Dinosaurs.  Your most favorite thing at the time.  I said, that was nice of him to make you a book.  You said, yes.  He is my friend.  I asked if he made anyone else a book.  You said, no.  And you smiled real big and announced that you were in love with him.  Very matter of fact.  I said, you love him?  Do you even know what in love means?  You said, I am going to marry him.  I said, how do you know you love him?  And you said, when I look at his face I just know.  Well Zoe is he kind to people?  You said, yes.  I said, that is most important.

So, you my dear have I guess your first crush.  I said you are too young but Eoghan informed me you can get crushes at 2 years old.  So I guess it is fine.

ZOE, YOU ARE 5!!!!  How is this?  I have not written anything for so long.  I have had no energy for writing.  But because of this I am forgetting these moments.  These stories.  Right now you are in love with dinosaurs, dancing, huskies, mac mac cheese, the world, Olivia, your brother, and I guess this RD kid.

You gave up your babas back in February even though you like to revisit them once in a blue moon.  You are a strong, funny, creative, beautiful and loving little leader.  You have huge emotions and an amazing  mind of your own.You still love me more then anything in the world and I appreciate it greatly.  I know one day I will not be your number one person.

I could not even imagine life without you my daughter.  You brighten every moment of our lives.

Thank you for being my ZoBo!  And teaching me everyday how to be a more patient person.  I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON.

yours always,

baba

Vaughn

You were in my dreams last night Vaughn.  You were already in the part of your sickness that you were confused. I was supposed to pick you up from your parents and we were going to take a road trip to visit Silas.  I was supposed to be there at 6pm to get you but I was procrastinating because I was worried.  Because I feared the uncertainty of our trip.  The awkward confusion of conversation that was there the last  months.  The want of understanding.  The sadness and anger of not being able to know what you need or what you were trying to tell me.  The frustration because all I wanted was for you to not have fears.  For you to be heard.  For you not to be confused or frustrated because there was absolutely nothing we could do to fix this horrifying nite mare.  I showed up way to late and you had all of these random things to take with us.  A gallon of milk.  And bag of toilet paper.  You were so excited and confused.  There was joy all over your face though because I was there to take you.  Your parents were frazzled, worried and annoyed I was so late.   They thought I was not coming but I did and we were about an hour into our drive when my alarm woke me up this morning.  We were not talking much on the drive but I remember the feeling of peace and comfort.

In the last month or so before you stopped really talking in the last few weeks,  I had all those feelings that I had in my dream.  All I wanted was for you to feel comfortable and peace. I just wanted you to feel love.  You were so loved and I just wanted to be with you.  And when I was with you I just wanted to sit with you and feel your warmth.  Even if it was to just place my hand on your foot.  Quietly and peaceful. 

In the end when you were not able to communicate I did not want you to be alone.  I obsessively thought about it.  I wanted someone to be there with you at all times.  Just be there because of my own fears. 

Thank you for comforting me when I was trying to comfort you.  Your warmth still surrounds us and comforts us as we try to live life without you here with us.  We miss you more than any of my words can express. 

My friend, my brother, and now my brother in law

I sit here obsessively thinking and remembering and going over the words I want to say....  to write... to cry.. to scream......  I keep going back to this.  PLEASE DON'T DIE.  PLEASE!!!!  I want to throw a tantrum but as a mother I know it does not solve anything.  It won't help your brother.  I do not know how to help him.  I know how terribly devastated I am I can not even imagine what he feels.  I want to fix this whole fucking nite mare.  I want to go back 5 years and start over and celebrate with you life.  Just celebrate and live and redo the last 5 years ten times over and than maybe I will be okay with you dying.  Maybe I will be at the point that I feel as though it is okay.  But not now.  Absolutely not now.  It is not fair. 

Everything I do is obsessively thinking of what to say to your brothers, mom, dad, grandfather, wife and your beautiful spirited daughter.  How I am going to start explaining to my boy what is happening to his uncle.  His uncle that adores him.  That lights up when he sees him.  How do you tell a baby that is not a baby but not a child about death.  How do you explain it to him without breaking him of his innocence and joy.  How do you have joy.  How do you have fun when this is happening right now.  Right here.  How do you smile when all you can think about is I do not want this.  I do not want my friend, brother and now brother in-law to die.

I love you Vaughn.  I do.  You have stood by me through every up and down I have experience.  You have made me angry like no other friend but you have also been my brother who look out for me, for us and called us out for the last 20 something years.  Thank you for being my true friend.  Thank you for letting me love you.  Thank you for putting up with me. 


PLEASE DO NOT DIE.  PLEASE!!!

School

To my first born,

You started school on Monday.  Way to make me feel like an adult.  I mean I know I should have maybe felt like one when I bought our home 13 years ago, or gave birth to you 3.5 years ago, or married your dad, or had your baby sister 13 months ago but no it took me standing watching you interact with the 8 other little first time preschoolers and your teachers.  My new adult sized heart just pumped with so much love and pride of how amazingly grown you have become.  You are so brave.  You never even looked back to make sure I was still there.  Our baby.  Our first born.  The boy that changed us the most and taught us what it feels like to love unconditionally.  We are so stinking proud of you.  I can not even put it into words how proud we are of you.  You have grown so much in the last 13 months since your baby sister was born.  You have had patience and tolerated so much and continue to.  You are her protector and she is your biggest fan.  Thank you so much for being my big boy.  My butter.  I love you with all my heart.   We love you to the moon and back!

You are my light,

Your Mama

Guilt 1/52- Zoe

So Zoe is almost 11 months old.

She just started to stand unassisted a few days ago.  She took three steps two days ago but than when I went to show Greg she smiled all big at him and face planted.  She has 8 teeth popping out.  She is so big. 

I sometimes do not feel she gets the attention she deserves because she is the 2nd child and when she is content we play with her older brother because he needs this attention.  It makes me feel so sad. 

I want her to know how much she means to me.  I want her to know how special she is.  I want her to know I love her as much as Eoghan.  Because I do.  I love every little thing about her.  I love her drama. I love the fact that she will just lean forward and bite someone and do it with so much joy in her eyes.   I love her scream.  Jesus, her smile.  There has never a smile I have been aware of that is as cute as hers.  It just makes you heart get that tickle feeling.  She is so sweet.

  This girl has made me have confidence in my body.  She is the nursing queen or diva.  She will nurse sitting, laying, standing and or whenever and wherever she wants.  She just wants her mommas milk:)  Thank you for sharing my bed with me the last 11 months.  Thank you for all the early morning with just us sitting on the couch snuggling.  I am so lucky to be your mamma and be allowed to have the opportunity to have that special bond. 

She has the most beautiful birthmark on her thigh.  It is exciting to me.  I just stare at it.  I do not have a birthmark so I think they are so cool for some reason.  She is absolutely obsessed with her brother.  Yet she can stand up to him to and if he tries to snatch something from her she will let out a scream that lets us know.

They are already best friends. 

 Zoe, I love you so much.  I can not even wrap my brain around the fact that you are coming to the end of your first year with us.  How has this happened?  How can it be?  Please, let time just slow down.  Please let there be a million more moments we share before you are not an infant.  You made my heart grow more and I did not think this was possible after Eoghan.  I truthfully had doubts about loving anything as much as I love that boy but you my chunky monkey knocked your brother right over and now you both share equal halfs of my heart. Daddy and I could not have dreamed of a more amazing addition to our family.  You have made our home complete.  Thank you for being ours. 

life

So.....  I do not write anymore.  What the hell.  I wrote all the time when life was insane, sad and full of drama.  I have not written in my journal for over a year.  It is in my purse so it would not take effort really at all.  Yet, now that my life is full of adventure, joy, frustration, dirty diapers, breastmilk, lack of sleep and marriage I am dead to the world of sharing my words.

 The last thing I shared was I was getting married and I had an 18 month old boy.










 We love on each other on our honeymoon.  and got back from our honey moon.....  And loved on our boy...

 

Loved loved loved loved........

This one of the highlights of things happening.  If she could only be shaved all the time she would be loved so much more. 

This boy loves to jam with his daddy.

And around a week before August 2nd Mamma was all fat and acting nutty....

And this happened.  Zoe Virginia freshly baked was held by her doting big boy brother.

 And than shit got all kids of crazy.  In the best yet most tiring way possible.  No sleep for anyone.  Maybe because there are babies in all of the beds or parents required in the boys beds.  And husbands sleeping on futons.  And breast out everywhere and the house is a disaster and parents bickering and getting on each others nerves.

 But it is all so totally worth it.  But it is Spring time and just when we felt we were going to go nuts from crying babies and tantrum throwing boys the sun is shining and it is time to play.....

I have a daughter.  Now I have an almost 3 year old insanely awesome boy and a beautiful and loud 8 month old girl.  She is pretty incredible.  She sleeps like shit.  Screams if you put her down.  And is a super loud talker.  She thinks her brother is just the most amazing thing ever.  Which if you have met Eoghan she is pretty much point on.