Friday, May 9, 2014


You were in my dreams last night Vaughn.  You were already in the part of your sickness that you were confused. I was supposed to pick you up from your parents and we were going to take a road trip to visit Silas.  I was supposed to be there at 6pm to get you but I was procrastinating because I was worried.  Because I feared the uncertainty of our trip.  The awkward confusion of conversation that was there the last  months.  The want of understanding.  The sadness and anger of not being able to know what you need or what you were trying to tell me.  The frustration because all I wanted was for you to not have fears.  For you to be heard.  For you not to be confused or frustrated because there was absolutely nothing we could do to fix this horrifying nite mare.  I showed up way to late and you had all of these random things to take with us.  A gallon of milk.  And bag of toilet paper.  You were so excited and confused.  There was joy all over your face though because I was there to take you.  Your parents were frazzled, worried and annoyed I was so late.   They thought I was not coming but I did and we were about an hour into our drive when my alarm woke me up this morning.  We were not talking much on the drive but I remember the feeling of peace and comfort.

In the last month or so before you stopped really talking in the last few weeks,  I had all those feelings that I had in my dream.  All I wanted was for you to feel comfortable and peace. I just wanted you to feel love.  You were so loved and I just wanted to be with you.  And when I was with you I just wanted to sit with you and feel your warmth.  Even if it was to just place my hand on your foot.  Quietly and peaceful. 

In the end when you were not able to communicate I did not want you to be alone.  I obsessively thought about it.  I wanted someone to be there with you at all times.  Just be there because of my own fears. 

Thank you for comforting me when I was trying to comfort you.  Your warmth still surrounds us and comforts us as we try to live life without you here with us.  We miss you more than any of my words can express.