Last hours of my 30's are upon me. Kind of freaking out but also so god damn grateful. My 30's started with me being strong and rediscovering myself and going into my 40's I feel like I am on this path again. My 30's have given me everything and also stripped me down to nothing. There has been so much more joy than pain. So much more celebration of love. But there has been so much pain, so much confusion and so many points that I could not control or fix things. The last decade has given me everything but also taken so much. I traveled and played a lot. I grew and birthed my beautiful babes. I fed them with my body. I married my partner in crime. I laughed and experienced pure and real love. I had so much fun. I also watch the one person that shares the most with me suffer greatly with mental illness. And realized I can not control or fix everything. I watched my beautiful, hard headed, crazy talented, and loving friend die. And there was nothing I could do about it. My husband lost his brother and there was nothing I could do about it. My kids lost their uncle and there was nothing I could do about it. They also lost their Great Gmom. Three of my beautiful nieces lost their fathers. I lost others I loved way to soon. I loved my family so much that it hurt. I loved them so much that I lost a big part of myself. We bought a new house. My kids suddenly were 6 and 8. I experienced so many things and so many emotions. I loved on my friends and nieces and nephew when I could. Which was not enough. I lost my shit and could not sleep for weeks. I was so tired, scared and anxiety ridden. My friends, family and community held me up like they always do because they believe in me and love me when I can not. I started making a effort of self love and I am slowly but surely rediscovering my awesome self. So even though I am losing my shit a little about entering my 40's I am super grateful that I get to live my 40's. I am grateful I get to continue this journey of raising two beautiful, smart, kind and hilarious children with their dada. I am grateful because my family and friends are so amazing. I am just so fucking grateful but still how am I already 40!!!!
