Friday, May 9, 2014


You were in my dreams last night Vaughn.  You were already in the part of your sickness that you were confused. I was supposed to pick you up from your parents and we were going to take a road trip to visit Silas.  I was supposed to be there at 6pm to get you but I was procrastinating because I was worried.  Because I feared the uncertainty of our trip.  The awkward confusion of conversation that was there the last  months.  The want of understanding.  The sadness and anger of not being able to know what you need or what you were trying to tell me.  The frustration because all I wanted was for you to not have fears.  For you to be heard.  For you not to be confused or frustrated because there was absolutely nothing we could do to fix this horrifying nite mare.  I showed up way to late and you had all of these random things to take with us.  A gallon of milk.  And bag of toilet paper.  You were so excited and confused.  There was joy all over your face though because I was there to take you.  Your parents were frazzled, worried and annoyed I was so late.   They thought I was not coming but I did and we were about an hour into our drive when my alarm woke me up this morning.  We were not talking much on the drive but I remember the feeling of peace and comfort.

In the last month or so before you stopped really talking in the last few weeks,  I had all those feelings that I had in my dream.  All I wanted was for you to feel comfortable and peace. I just wanted you to feel love.  You were so loved and I just wanted to be with you.  And when I was with you I just wanted to sit with you and feel your warmth.  Even if it was to just place my hand on your foot.  Quietly and peaceful. 

In the end when you were not able to communicate I did not want you to be alone.  I obsessively thought about it.  I wanted someone to be there with you at all times.  Just be there because of my own fears. 

Thank you for comforting me when I was trying to comfort you.  Your warmth still surrounds us and comforts us as we try to live life without you here with us.  We miss you more than any of my words can express. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

My friend, my brother, and now my brother in law

I sit here obsessively thinking and remembering and going over the words I want to say....  to write... to cry.. to scream......  I keep going back to this.  PLEASE DON'T DIE.  PLEASE!!!!  I want to throw a tantrum but as a mother I know it does not solve anything.  It won't help your brother.  I do not know how to help him.  I know how terribly devastated I am I can not even imagine what he feels.  I want to fix this whole fucking nite mare.  I want to go back 5 years and start over and celebrate with you life.  Just celebrate and live and redo the last 5 years ten times over and than maybe I will be okay with you dying.  Maybe I will be at the point that I feel as though it is okay.  But not now.  Absolutely not now.  It is not fair. 

Everything I do is obsessively thinking of what to say to your brothers, mom, dad, grandfather, wife and your beautiful spirited daughter.  How I am going to start explaining to my boy what is happening to his uncle.  His uncle that adores him.  That lights up when he sees him.  How do you tell a baby that is not a baby but not a child about death.  How do you explain it to him without breaking him of his innocence and joy.  How do you have joy.  How do you have fun when this is happening right now.  Right here.  How do you smile when all you can think about is I do not want this.  I do not want my friend, brother and now brother in-law to die.

I love you Vaughn.  I do.  You have stood by me through every up and down I have experience.  You have made me angry like no other friend but you have also been my brother who look out for me, for us and called us out for the last 20 something years.  Thank you for being my true friend.  Thank you for letting me love you.  Thank you for putting up with me. 


Wednesday, September 11, 2013


To my first born,

You started school on Monday.  Way to make me feel like an adult.  I mean I know I should have maybe felt like one when I bought our home 13 years ago, or gave birth to you 3.5 years ago, or married your dad, or had your baby sister 13 months ago but no it took me standing watching you interact with the 8 other little first time preschoolers and your teachers.  My new adult sized heart just pumped with so much love and pride of how amazingly grown you have become.  You are so brave.  You never even looked back to make sure I was still there.  Our baby.  Our first born.  The boy that changed us the most and taught us what it feels like to love unconditionally.  We are so stinking proud of you.  I can not even put it into words how proud we are of you.  You have grown so much in the last 13 months since your baby sister was born.  You have had patience and tolerated so much and continue to.  You are her protector and she is your biggest fan.  Thank you so much for being my big boy.  My butter.  I love you with all my heart.   We love you to the moon and back!

You are my light,

Your Mama

Friday, June 28, 2013

Guilt 1/52- Zoe

So Zoe is almost 11 months old.

She just started to stand unassisted a few days ago.  She took three steps two days ago but than when I went to show Greg she smiled all big at him and face planted.  She has 8 teeth popping out.  She is so big. 

I sometimes do not feel she gets the attention she deserves because she is the 2nd child and when she is content we play with her older brother because he needs this attention.  It makes me feel so sad. 

I want her to know how much she means to me.  I want her to know how special she is.  I want her to know I love her as much as Eoghan.  Because I do.  I love every little thing about her.  I love her drama. I love the fact that she will just lean forward and bite someone and do it with so much joy in her eyes.   I love her scream.  Jesus, her smile.  There has never a smile I have been aware of that is as cute as hers.  It just makes you heart get that tickle feeling.  She is so sweet.
  This girl has made me have confidence in my body.  She is the nursing queen or diva.  She will nurse sitting, laying, standing and or whenever and wherever she wants.  She just wants her mommas milk:)  Thank you for sharing my bed with me the last 11 months.  Thank you for all the early morning with just us sitting on the couch snuggling.  I am so lucky to be your mamma and be allowed to have the opportunity to have that special bond. 

She has the most beautiful birthmark on her thigh.  It is exciting to me.  I just stare at it.  I do not have a birthmark so I think they are so cool for some reason.  She is absolutely obsessed with her brother.  Yet she can stand up to him to and if he tries to snatch something from her she will let out a scream that lets us know.
They are already best friends. 

 Zoe, I love you so much.  I can not even wrap my brain around the fact that you are coming to the end of your first year with us.  How has this happened?  How can it be?  Please, let time just slow down.  Please let there be a million more moments we share before you are not an infant.  You made my heart grow more and I did not think this was possible after Eoghan.  I truthfully had doubts about loving anything as much as I love that boy but you my chunky monkey knocked your brother right over and now you both share equal halfs of my heart. Daddy and I could not have dreamed of a more amazing addition to our family.  You have made our home complete.  Thank you for being ours. 

Friday, April 5, 2013


So.....  I do not write anymore.  What the hell.  I wrote all the time when life was insane, sad and full of drama.  I have not written in my journal for over a year.  It is in my purse so it would not take effort really at all.  Yet, now that my life is full of adventure, joy, frustration, dirty diapers, breastmilk, lack of sleep and marriage I am dead to the world of sharing my words.

 The last thing I shared was I was getting married and I had an 18 month old boy.

 We love on each other on our honeymoon.  and got back from our honey moon.....  And loved on our boy...
Loved loved loved loved........

This one of the highlights of things happening.  If she could only be shaved all the time she would be loved so much more. 
This boy loves to jam with his daddy.

And around a week before August 2nd Mamma was all fat and acting nutty....

And this happened.  Zoe Virginia freshly baked was held by her doting big boy brother.

 And than shit got all kids of crazy.  In the best yet most tiring way possible.  No sleep for anyone.  Maybe because there are babies in all of the beds or parents required in the boys beds.  And husbands sleeping on futons.  And breast out everywhere and the house is a disaster and parents bickering and getting on each others nerves.
 But it is all so totally worth it.  But it is Spring time and just when we felt we were going to go nuts from crying babies and tantrum throwing boys the sun is shining and it is time to play.....

I have a daughter.  Now I have an almost 3 year old insanely awesome boy and a beautiful and loud 8 month old girl.  She is pretty incredible.  She sleeps like shit.  Screams if you put her down.  And is a super loud talker.  She thinks her brother is just the most amazing thing ever.  Which if you have met Eoghan she is pretty much point on. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I am marrying my baby daddy on Friday!!!!  Who would have thought?  17 years ago when I sold him a bump of crystal for like $20 at a dirty ass rave I would not have believed that we would make the most beautiful baby and form such an amazing family.  17 years of being partners in crime but really both of our lives really began 18 months ago with this little sucker.
The love I have for these two is ridiculous.  They actually keep up with me in the goofy department.  Greg, thank you for buying that bump from me and tricking Lauren and I into driving you guys home from Baltimore.  Thank you for being my best friend, brother(even though that sounds incest like), partner in crime and protector since we met.  Thank you for waiting out all the craziness in our lives and trying to get in my pants again.  You are my family.  Always have been.    And it is just so fucking right.  Do you feel it?  I do and I love it.  LOVE IT!  You are the most amazing father.  It makes me giddy just watching you and Eoghan.  And the way Eoghan stares at you playing the guitar is enough to break hearts.  I am in love with you, I am grateful for you, and I thank you for falling in love with me. 

We make a beautiful family!

Friday, May 6, 2011

When your heart is not making it easy.

I LOVE MY OB/GYN...  Love her and loved her.  I have never ever felt comfortable with an OB/GYN before her.  She supported me.  She let me labor for 15 hours naturally before she had no choice but to do an emergency c-section due to Eoghan's heart rate which had been dropping every contraction and in the end it was dropping way to long and way to low.  But she did absolutely everything including telling others to back off of me with pushing drugs and what not on me.  If it would have been up to the other doctors I would not have labored at all.  SO yesterday when I was going to  make my appointment for normal yearly I googled her to get her number and this article below popped up.  Conversation is between my best buddy /cousin and myself.
I believe everyone has a right to follow their heart.  And that is what she is doing.  Even if I do not understand her view point.  Now I need to figure out where my heart stands. 
On Thu, May 5, 2011 at 11:22 AM, katie auerback <> wrote:
Good afternoon.  How are you?  I am good.  My child is full todler now.  Attitude and all.  So I went to find Dr. Sorra's number to schedule my yearly and this article popped up on google.  When you have a chance will you read and tell me your opinion.  I am struggling with it.  I thought the reason behind her not doing birthcontrool was for natural reasons.  I respect her opinion but morally we have different views.  I just respect your opinion.  I love her as a doctor but I am pulled over her views.  I love you and I hope it is not too rainy.  Give me babes a kiss from me.

Date: Thu, 5 May 2011 21:22:29 -0500
Subject: Re:
From: salinaau

Hmmm.  She's never shared her religious views with me, but I do know that her husband works for Catholic Charities, so it kind of makes sense.  I also haven't been to her since she has stopped offering the birth control options.  I remember having the conversation with her and her telling me the options, but not pushing in any direction.  When I asked her about natural family planning she was very knowledgeable.

I think the foundations of her belief may be different from mine, but there is nothing she says that I really disagree with.  I believe sex is something that provides pleasure and closeness/bonding between two people who love and are committed to each other.  I also know that sex exists for the purpose of creating life and when I am taking unnatural birth control it feels gross and I don't like it.  Just because she is Catholic does not mean we have different moral beliefs, though the beliefs come from different foundations.  She believes in natural birth control, the same as me.

What would you say the moral differences are between you and Dr. Sorra?  I also thinks it's kind of cool that she has decided to follow what she believes in knowing that she would get a lot of shit for it.

I love you and all of our children.  I'm glad we weren't on unnatural birth control and allowed our babes to enter this crazy world.

I love you to the moon and back.


My dearest Salina,

I applaud her for her backbone and beliefs.  I am not a religious person but I absolutely have no problem with other people’s faith.  I guess the main thing that differs for Dr. Sorra and myself that I believe in Planned Parenthood.  I think that in a world that there are so many children being born that are not wanted, (thrown in dumpsters, dropped off at orphanages, born with HIV/ addicted to drug, abused and neglected), I have a hard time with not educating woman on contraceptives.  I think about my short experience in Guatemala and hearing that children are just abandoned.  In a perfect world sex would be between two people that love each other and are committed to each other and are trying to create life but this is not a perfect world. 

I myself am not affected by her decision due to the fact that I do not like to put hormone altering drugs in my system and am allergic(not really) to condoms but I strongly believe that option has to be out there.  I am 100% against abortion for myself but I still feel strongly that the freedom still needs to be available.  I do not believe it should be used as a form of birth control but there are situations (incest, rape, ECT...) that I cannot wholeheartedly say that it is not the woman’s right to decide is she can or cannot grow this being. 

The thing is I have nothing personally against her.  I love her.  I told Greg last night I wish I just would have never read it because I have a hard time because my views are different.  He said that just because she has these ideas that we do not agree with does not take away from the fact that she is an amazing doctor.  And he would have wanted no one else to bring our beautiful boy into the world safely. 

I agree but....  I believe that marriage does not make a happy family or good parents always.  That you can be a wonderful family without that label.  I believe any person can love, can fall in love with any other person no matter sex, race or religion.  I believe that god does not make mistakes.  I believe by now people should see that god sucks pretty badly at creating people if gay people are mistakes.  God has created these people equally and out of love and they are just as capable of being a loving family as Greg and I and Jeff and you.  I believe a lot of things that kind of go against her views.  But I also believe that she does not judge me.  I am 80% sure she knew I was not married and she treated me amazingly.  Now Greg she was a little stand off of.  But during my labor she was awesome to him.  It is hard because all of my issues are inside of me.  She has not caused it.  I do not shop at Walmart because of their business choices.  Who they support, how they have treated their employee's ECT.  I try to be conscious.  I obviously am a not even close to being 100%.  I still drink starbucks.  I still buy cloth that I am sure are from sweat shops.  I still throw recyclables in the trash when I am too lazy to clean them. 

I am going to go for my exam in June.  I hope that I am brave enough to maybe talk to her for a few minutes.  I guess in my head I thought she was a natural feminist.  And maybe it is best I did not know this before because she would not have delivered me because I might not have given her a chance.  Obviously I do judge.  And it does not make me any better than people who judge the things that I support. 

I love you.  Eoghan is huge.  He is sweet and obnoxious and tantrum throwing and so stinking smart it is not funny.  Please give kisses to the ones I love and put my love into your work.