Friday, October 18, 2013

My friend, my brother, and now my brother in law

I sit here obsessively thinking and remembering and going over the words I want to say....  to write... to cry.. to scream......  I keep going back to this.  PLEASE DON'T DIE.  PLEASE!!!!  I want to throw a tantrum but as a mother I know it does not solve anything.  It won't help your brother.  I do not know how to help him.  I know how terribly devastated I am I can not even imagine what he feels.  I want to fix this whole fucking nite mare.  I want to go back 5 years and start over and celebrate with you life.  Just celebrate and live and redo the last 5 years ten times over and than maybe I will be okay with you dying.  Maybe I will be at the point that I feel as though it is okay.  But not now.  Absolutely not now.  It is not fair. 

Everything I do is obsessively thinking of what to say to your brothers, mom, dad, grandfather, wife and your beautiful spirited daughter.  How I am going to start explaining to my boy what is happening to his uncle.  His uncle that adores him.  That lights up when he sees him.  How do you tell a baby that is not a baby but not a child about death.  How do you explain it to him without breaking him of his innocence and joy.  How do you have joy.  How do you have fun when this is happening right now.  Right here.  How do you smile when all you can think about is I do not want this.  I do not want my friend, brother and now brother in-law to die.

I love you Vaughn.  I do.  You have stood by me through every up and down I have experience.  You have made me angry like no other friend but you have also been my brother who look out for me, for us and called us out for the last 20 something years.  Thank you for being my true friend.  Thank you for letting me love you.  Thank you for putting up with me. 


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